Reciprocity
by monstrous.crow
Summary: It's a cruel thing, to have loved and lost and lose yet again. A reflective oneshot of vignettes on the last hours of a certain Uryuu Minene.


**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own it, sadly.

**Author's note: **I wanted this to be introspective but true to the story, so a good bit of the actual dialogue is pulled straight from the dub of Episodes 20-21. Just wanted to establish that I'm not trying to steal it. The point is my _take_ on said dialogue. In any case, please enjoy, and if you liked it or didn't, reviews help me get better!

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><p><em><strong>RECIPROCITY<strong>_

.

She froze, silently panicking until she recognized him.

"Nishijima to headquarters..." He pulls out his walkie-talkie and begins to lie, and she can't do anything but stare.

So she whirls on him, fierce and sharp and unyielding, demanding answers, affirmation, anything.

"Well, here's the part where you tell me what changed your mind!"

He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a tiny velvet box, face earnest and open and pleading and full of hope, and a little bit of fear too, but completely honest.

"You did."

And he opens it, opens it to show her a ring that's just as full, full of promises and a life and possibilities she'd never thought were open to her.

She can't do anything but stare, because of all the things he could've said or done, she certainly hadn't expected _that._

But she doesn't know what to do, so she does what she does best.

She explodes.

He leans in, taking her hand to place the ring on her finger, and she flails desperately both physically and mentally, searching for an answer.

_What am I supposed to do?! Am I supposed to accept this, when we're running away from everything and everyone and I probably won't live much longer?_

"Nobody gave you permission to put that thing on me!"

He sighs. "Would you please stop freaking out?"

The fact that he's completely unruffled by her reaction freaks her out even more and convinces her more than anything else that he means it, and so of course she goes completely ballistic.

"Excuse me for wanting more for myself than being a freakin' baby factory!"

But Nishijima just looks her straight in the eye and says, "I think you'd make a wonderful mom."

She thinks her face might just be boiling, and for the first time she can't find anything to answer him with.

.

He's following her, asking for an answer, and she just walks faster.

After all, escaping from the things she fears is what she's always been best at, and this is no exception.

She doesn't know what to do at all.

_What do I want? _

_Am I ready for this? Can I do this? Do I even care enough?_

What scares is that she thinks, maybe, just maybe, she might.

"I'm not the kind of gal who's waiting for her knight in shining armor, you know!"

He says nothing, but the corner of his mouth twitches, and it's enough to stun her, because. Well.

He obviously _does_.

So she growls and shoves him away, trying desperately to keep him at a distance, because he's asking things of her she doesn't know how to give.

_What am I supposed to say?_

_What do I _want_ to say?_

.

"Is there a reason you chased those kids away?"

She huffs quietly, staring resolutely at her chipmunk friends.

"Not really. I just don't particularly want to see them get killed."

And then, before she can stop herself, she blurts out, "Same goes for you, incidentally."

_Because I almost kissed you and I don't know but I think I might want to marry you if this ever ends and oh God, I just don't know._

When he sighs and walks away, she feels a tiny bit of her heart shatter.

But then, all of a sudden, he's right there again, supporting her, providing for her, and she thinks that he never really left in the first place.

.

And then they're running and she's sprinting as fast as she can, running, running, always running, back in her element and ready to destroy everything that gets in her way.

_I have a new possible future that not even my diary could have foretold, and no matter what I choose, I'm not losing that option now._

She's triumphant, confident, ready, and then everything goes wrong, and she sees it but she can't stop herself fast enough.

_No...!_

She's trembling in shock, every joint locked, and her right hand is gone.

"_Minene!"_

And he sprints toward her, desperate, panicked, _because she's hurt_ _and he doesn't know how bad,_ and she wonders why in the world such a nice man fell in love with a psychotic terrorist, but she's not complaining too much.

But she lashes out anyway, because _shit, that hurts,_ and suddenly he's shot, and her whole new world is collapsing around her as he falls.

"_Nishijimaaaaaaaaaaa!"_

_._

"Stay with me, man!"

She's shaking, because she's finally managed to drag him out of that corridor from hell, and he's cradled in her lap, bleeding out like they're the tragic heroes of some trashy love story.

"I'll be fine... Just...get out of here while you..."

"Don't even finish that thought," she snarls.

His lips twitch, an almost familiar gesture by that point, and he manages to channel a sort of fond exasperation into his words. "Dammit, listen. There's no point in worrying about me now..."

And then she sees the guards round the corner of the stairs, and he sees her eyes widen, and he's in front of her, shielding her with his body, and she wants to wail and beat the ground because no, no, the world can't do this to her now, it just _can't._

"_I...love you."_

But it does.

And she's crying and shaking and hating and loving all at once, because it's not fair, any of it.

"You stupid son of a bitch!"

But she's too late.

He's already dead, and her ring is on the floor, drowning in his blood.

.

"Sorry...but there's something I still gotta do."

_Sorry, Nishijima. But I promise you won't be the last to bleed._

And she walked away, her face like stone, following Amano on a path to a destination unknown.

_He never deserved this._

She can't think over all of the memories flooding her mind.

"_You're that terrorist!"_

"_That looks cute on you."_

"_Oh, man, not you again!"_

"_Why does this always happen to me?"_

.

"Nishijima had no business dying today."

And she gets up and soldiers on, because dammit, Nishijima hadn't deserved that. Not then. Not ever.

But definitely not that day. Not the day he'd really bared his soul to her and asked her to be his and his alone for the rest of their lives.

_He doesn't have a life to look forward to at all anymore, much less a life with me._

It's her fault, and she's going to fix it, and to hell with the consequences.

It wasn't fair that he died before she could even give him a proper answer.

_I wonder what I've had said._

_I think..._

She sucks in a harsh breath, because the realization sucker punches her in the gut, and she thinks she'd already known but hadn't wanted to admit it.

_I'd have married him._

_I'd have married him, even knowing chances were that I'd die soon because of this stupid game. _

.

"Wait, just give me a minute—!" First cries, eyes wide and scared.

But she simply scoffed.

Give him a minute? Oh, no, no—not when minutes counted, when every second was another diary entry, when they were fighting over _time itself—_

She wasn't going to let these damn kids take up any more of her precious time.

After all, she has a death to go to, doesn't she?

"Nishijima's the one man who ever promised to make me happy. And if he hadn't gotten wrapped up in this shit, I think he could've pulled it off. But we'll never know, will we?"

_I have nothing left to lose anymore._

_Might as well meet up with my fiancé as soon as possible._

So she pulls the trigger.

"See you in hell."

.

_I can't believe I failed yet again to kill this brat._

"Don't drag this out, First."

She stalks around the corner, all of her willpower put into her effort to just keep going.

_That's all I ever do. I just keep going and going and going, and it never ends. Not for me._

"You might as well show yourself. Killing you is gonna take the last of my strength. I betcha I'll bleed out before your body's even cold."

"Your reason for wanting to win this was bullshit anyway."

"Well, I've got a news flash for ya, kid. Parents die all the damn time!"

_Mine did._

_Mine did, and they left me all alone and helpless in the middle of a war zone, surrounded by blood and the stench of death and nothing to turn to but petty crime even if I didn't want to, but I had to anyway, because I wanted to live._

_I _survived.

_I had no other choice._

"And you don't see other people going on killing sprees to bring 'em back."

Maybe people would, if they had the chance, if they were thrown into the batshit game they were all stuck in, but she wouldn't know.

All she knows is that she certainly didn't, and it's not fair that _this_ damn crybaby has the chance to when she never did.

When no one else ever has.

"You're sad because you lost your mom and dad just now, right?"

And she grins viciously, cruel pleasure lighting up her face, even though it's not how she really feels. But hell if she isn't going to try and beat a lesson into the brat at the end anyway, because so far his life choices _suck._

And that's coming from a freakin' _terrorist,_ for mischief's sake.

"Well, cry me a river."

And she can't stop laughing, inside her head at least, and she wonders if she's laughing out loud, but everything hurts so much she can't tell at all.

"You remind me of how pathetic _I _was, back in the day."

Her head and her heart ache, but she knows better than to be kind to him, because all that does is break people apart that much more.

Besides, she's no good at that; it's much easier for her to just hit him with the facts.

So she does.

"But you've gotta face the facts. You ain't ever gonna get 'em back, kid!"

.

"I know that resurrecting my parents is selfish. But I can't just let them stay dead."

He levels the rifle at her, but he doesn't shoot.

For a brief moment, she wonders if he's too much of a wuss to pull the trigger—_we all thought you were, but you've done better than any of us, haven't you—_but no. His hands are steady.

He's drawing it out.

He's _mocking_ her.

_You little shit!_

"Why aren't you pulling the trigger?" She glares at him, accusing, because really, it's just not fair to drag things out like this. She knows she's going to die, and at this point the how of it doesn't much matter.

"I don't want to kill you."

"Huh?"

_I escape even when I'm not even trying to, _she thinks wryly. _Even if I don't want to._

.

"It's like I told you. Better you than me!"

She's ready to take him out with her, because he had been the one to first truly involve Nishijima in the game anyway, even if he hadn't meant for all of this to happen.

So she lunges, sighting as best she can with her cold, nerveless hand—_I'm not even left-handed, this is such a bitch—_and then...then...

_Ow. Shit. That hurts._

She chokes on the blood that's suddenly welling up in the back of her throat, chokes and topples, her entire body deadweight dragging her down.

_He and I. We're the same._

Her eyes slip shut, just for a moment.

_He's just a scared little kid, crying for Mommy and Daddy to get up._

_I didn't remember, but...I cried over them too, didn't I?_

_He's crying over me right now, isn't he? Figures. Damn that spineless kid._

"I'm sorry..."

She whispers it, her voice harsh and grating, her lips brushing the icy cold floor.

_As cold as my heart used to be._

And she means it, because really, if she'd had her druthers she'd never have tried to kill him. In the end, he's just a hapless kid.

She hates to admit it, but she cares.

_Just a minute._

_Just one minute to rest._

_I can at least have that much._

.

"How are you still alive?!"

She can't help the tiny huff of laughter at that, because after all that trouble just to kill him, the thing that surprises Eleventh is not the dealing of death but the unforeseen extension of life.

"I'm stubborn. First is lucky that I am."

And she grins, vicious, wide, and bloody.

_You took away my first and last chance at happiness, Eleventh, you bastard, and for that you're gonna pay with your life._

_This wimpy little kid is going to win this thing._

_For me. For Nishijima. For himself, and for his crazy-ass bitch of a girlfriend._

_For all of us that never meant for these things to happen._

So she laughs in his face, this man that has killed her, and revels in the static shock that follows aftershe puts the bomb where he can see it.

_I always wanted to go out with a bang._

.

"You're a trip. Shooting me is fine, but you get your panties in a wad over this?"

"Then again, it's not like I've been operating on the most logical rules of engagement lately."

"I'll take care of the open sesame part. But whatever goes on after that is on your head."

"So own it."

.

"I finally did that thing you always wanted done. I hope you're happy."

_You always wanted me to find happiness, didn't you?_

_And all I ever did was run away, because I was scared. I didn't think I was worth it. I didn't think I could. I was too rough-and-tumble, too scary. I knew too much, didn't pull my punches._

_But that didn't matter in the end, did it? _

_He cared anyway. Damn that stupid cop._

And she thought she felt that old, faded part of herself smile softly, brightly, and she felt more golden than she ever had. _Now you understand!_

"Yeah. I guess I do."

_I wanted to be loved for all of me._

"I just wanted someone to save me."

_I wanted someone to save me from myself._

_Because that, _that _is true love._

She tips her head back to rest against the wall with a smile that's more like a grimace.

_I'm damn lucky he found me in the end._

_Maybe he'll come find me again, since this is over for us now._

She sits there, soaked in her own blood, her breaths rasping ever slower, and she feels her heart hitch weakly against her ribs.

_It's a shame. I wonder...if I would have made a good wife._

And then there was nothing at all.


End file.
